Quick post!

So, right after I posted that last update, I read an article by Mark Sisson. It was about why we crave comfort foods (re: carbs). Like I mentioned in my first post, I believe I am truly addicted to carbs. I really do not have an addictive personality but, over the last few weeks, I have been trying to evaluate why I struggle with staying on diet when I am generally such a disciplined person. I have been delving into some books related to drug and alcohol addictions and it got me thinking about my addiction to food.

Mark Sisson's article is fascinating.
Excerpt:

"Fat and carbohydrates figure in prominently with the most cited comfort foods. Carbs can temporarily boost serotonin levels, which can leave us constantly running back for another neurochemical fix. Our favorite – fat – figures into the picture as well (although more favorably). Research shows, for example, that even when sensory experience is extracted, food (in this case, fat) soothes. When a group of study subjects viewed a sad movie or listened to sad music, subjects who received an injection of saturated fat were less affected emotionally (and showed less activity in brain regions associated with negative thoughts) than those who received saline shots."

The bolded parts are amazing and scary to me. This really explains why it's so difficult for me to stay on track. During the week of the Boston bombings, I ate like absolute shit. I was just stressed and it was really hard for me to focus on eating healthy. Anyway, I will have to do some more reading about the effects of sugar on the brain. Hope this interested you as much as it did me!

Some updates and new goals.

The last couple of weeks have been mostly successes for me. My biggest success, piggy-backing off of my last post, is being able to "cheat" without going into a frenzy and eating loads of unprimal foods.

Recap of the week:
On Sunday, we went to brunch with D&B and I had a few bites of delicious corn bread and my primal breakfast. I also had a piece of cheesecake (maybe piece and a half between trying everyone else's slice) that evening for AJ's birthday. This experience was interesting because I consciously decided to allow myself the cheesecake. Because of this, I didn't go in anxious and I didn't overdo it by eating everything I could. I stopped at the cheesecake.

Tues-Thurs (today), I've been pretty good-- I haven't been able to maintain my 1750 calorie goal-- usually going above it by 200-250 calories and I've cheated on small things-- breadsticks at a restaurant, a couple of oat crackers, a few pretzels, etc. The good thing is that when I couldn't resist and ate the breadsticks, I didn't proceed to eat the bread or order an unprimal meal. Instead, I stuck to eating primally for the duration of my meal. I'm proud of this change because I need to be able to have small losses (eating a few crackers) without letting it spin out of control and affect the rest of my day.

However, I would still like to improve on my habits and reduce the frequency at which I have small cheats. I think this hinders my physical process as well as my mental discipline. What I've found is that I will be successfully very strict for several days in a row-- then, I will have one lapse (a couple pieces of dark chocolate, crackers, etc) and this will trigger several days of undisciplined eating. Before, it would trigger several days of binging but I've seemed to have overcome that-- though it still takes awareness on my part to avoid these days. Now, I need to work on not indulging in several days of small cheating the moment I fall off the horse. I have to be able to be weak for a moment, eat my crackers, and then continue several more days of strict primal eating.

I believe one of my biggest weaknesses and triggers is primal snacks! Primal snacks are primal-- dried fruit, nuts, melons-- foods that are nutritious for you but, are sugary and unnecessary to my diet. I believe that mentally, what happens is that because I have identified these snacks/foods as "bad" foods, I eat them and feel like I have failed and as a result, I eat too much of them because I feel the day is already ruined, diet-wise. In truth, I believe it is too difficult for me to eat primal snacks in moderation. For example, I just ate six homemade coconut milk mini-pops. They aren't very high in calorie or sugar, but they did trigger a little frenzy where I wanted to eat other cheat foods-- because I view the pops as a cheat.

I don't want to forgo having my primal snacks. So, I think the best way to deal with this is to plan ahead and decide when I will have a primal "binge" (only primal foods!) and allow myself to indulge in all these delicious healthy snacks. However, I will have to avoid them on a normal basis because I eat too much of them and they prevent me from achieving my caloric and sugar goals.

I've made a lot of progress over the last several months with regards to my physical body. I would still like to be a little leaner but I am almost there. My cutting calorie amount is 1700-1750 calories and my maintenance level is around 2050-2100.

New Goals!
Until Cruise (15 days from today!!)
1. Achieve cutting calorie amount 5/7 days and maintenance days 2/7 days. This will allow me have a couple of delicious dinners out with friends without having to worry too much about calories. However, I can't snack much!
2. No primal snacking unless planned ahead. This is a new rule I am trying because I don't think I am disciplined enough to eat primal snacks in moderation.    :-/

After the cruise, I am going on a trip to China so my diet will take a hit. However, I am going to try to be very disciplined on the cruise as to not set myself back. In China, my goal is to have a maximum of 1 non-primal meal per day (on average). This should actually not be too difficult if we avoid eating too many sweets because besides rice, many delicious Chinese foods are primal anyway. Ahh a lot to think about. I think planning out our meals in China will be key to staying on track, allowing ourselves to indulge in local foods without going crazy.

I had some interesting experiences this week and maybe a great breakthrough. Well, not a "breakthrough" but a nice little win to reflect on. On Sunday, Patrik and I went to dinner and movies with a friend. We saw this harrowing documentary called 'An Act of Killing' which interviewed the killers of the 1960s genocide in Indonesia where over 1 million people were murdered in under a year. I highly recommend it... but it is intense, depressing, and very horrifying.

Anyway, for dinner we went to a gastropub-type place (my favorite type of place because the dining is but the food is upscale casual food!) called Five Horses Tavern. They serve steak, salads, fancy sandwiches, awesome tacos, and a variety of other interesting dishes like duck meatloaf (DELICIOUS), seared tuna, etc. We were all starving and we ordered a few appetizers -- fish sticks (only took a bite), fried potatoes, bok choy, and a grazing plate of vegetables. I ate a good portion of the appetizers and then I ate my duck meatloaf. I was so hungry! Meanwhile, our friend ordered a side of tater tots. I ate way too many goddamn tater tots. I've been trying to stay strictly primal (no processed carbs, no grains, no added sugars, technically no vegetable oil) and the tater tots are very borderline primal.. well, technically not primal at all since they are fried in vegetable oil and white potatoes are not all that healthy for you! I really ate a ton of tater tots and they were so delicious and melted in your mouth. It was a bit of a failure on my part BUT I'm actually really proud of this day BECAUSE..

After we left the restaurant, Patrik suggested getting ice cream. We were right next door to our very favorite ice cream establishment, JP Licks! Because I had already felt like a failure due to my tater tot consumption, I was feeling mentally weak. Typically, my train of thought goes like this, "Oh, I just failed so I'm going to take advantage of my failure day but eating everything I want from now on" or "I ruined my perfect day so who cares now". Usually, I would have felt bad about the tater tot cheat and continued to have a huge bowl of ice cream followed by cookies and brownies. I'm a perfectionist-- and my very bad tendency is to give up if I feel I've made a little mistake. BUT I DIDN'T ON SUNDAY. On Sunday, my bad day ended at the tater tots. I ate two very small bites of ice cream and that was it. I'm really proud of myself. I could have done better and avoided tater tots.. but I could have also caved and eaten poorly the rest of the evening.. but I didn't! I forgave myself for going a little too wild on the tots and moved on and held strong.

Go me!
(Link to the tater tots! note: not my picture)

"i just ate 2 pork chops, some salad and a pear and i'm full and it feels fantastic."

This was my most recent facebook update. I am full and it DOES feel fantastic. So, I've started and abandoned three or four blogs in my lifetime but my motivation behind this particular blog is much different. I am using this blog in hopes of gaining a little more introspection and reflection on why I eat the way I do, specifically how I respond to food cravings and just generally gaining a better understanding on my eating habits and impulses.

Back story!
I grew up on carbs-- bread, rice, LOVE noodles, LOVE pizza, crackers, cheez-its, chips, all the carby snacks and foods. I also ate all types of meat and have always been a food-LOVER and an adventurous eater. I was also a very serious athlete (tennis!) and played through four grueling years of division I tennis. Like many people and athletes assume, I carb loaded constantly, filling myself with sandwiches, burritos, pizza, and a plethora of asian noodles but paid little attention to my protein levels, my consumption of fruit/veggies, and where my food was coming from. A typical meal for me was noodle soup or pizza or a big burrito.. not the worst things but certainly no where near healthy!

This all changed two years ago when I stumbled upon the idea of a "low carb" diet and the 4 hour body (Tim Ferris) from a friend who was very fit, but, over the course of a few months, had shed quite a bit of fat. This intrigued me because he was already a healthy person and the concept of limiting carb intake was extremely foreign to me. Actually, a few years prior to this, when I was a freshman in college, a man I met had told me about the paleo diet. I thought he was clinically insane and dismissed it altogether. This time around, it peaked my interest so I started exploring Tim Ferris's book and eventually, I made my way to Mark Sisson's concept of "living primal" and eating paleo, lifting heavy, etc. Mark Sisson's site and resources are truly invaluable to me and I respect him and his ideas tremendously.

I am starting this blog because every day is still a struggle for me. I challenged myself to do a 30-day primal challenge recently and failed after a week because I had some chocolate. Obviously, in the grand scheme of things, chocolate can be easily incorporated into a very healthy diet but the point is, I failed AFTER A WEEK. I couldn't last more than 7 days without cheating. Seriously.. and those of you who know me know that I am generally a strong-willed, very disciplined person.

My typical pattern is to consistently eat healthy for a couple weeks (2-3) followed by a three or four day binge of shitty, disgusting, horrible food that makes me feel horribly about myself. If I could eat well for a few weeks and have one meal or even one full day of crappy but delicious foods, that would be perfectly fine! even wonderful to have those little cheat meals/day! but I can't stop after a day. Once I "fall off the wagon", so they say, I'm completely off, crippled, broken, and weak for days, feasting on all the oreos, cakes, cookies, pizza, and cornbread I can get my hands on. It's like the floodgates open and I know that there is only a limited of time I could eat all this shit food so I stuff my face until I feel sick. 

What is frustrating is that I know this about myself and yet I still can't stop. This pattern disturbs me both physically and psychologically and after my latest failure, I am determined to improve. I hope writing about my daily challenges help me work through these issues and I'm excited about it!